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sarahsweets · Dec 21, 2019, 06:21 AM

Welcome @TealOrca12

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Originally Posted by TealOrca12

Its been awhile since My partner and I have known each other and been seeing each other romantically for over 2 years. Its been pretty serious and committed, although in open relationships commitment doesnt always mean end up living together and married. The partner and I have somewhat slightly different values about this, but we have worked around that. Though sometimes I wonder if deep down he holds resentment towards me which could be the source of some of these ups and downs.

Just so I am clear when you say partner an commitment which person do you mean? The partner you have been with? Or the newer partner that you started to see?

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My partner has a mental health symptom history. I am not sure of the full extent of it or exactly what condition or diagnosis fits. (I am in the field so I think about this too- but try not to overthink it). He has had therapy before and even been on medication but hasnt in years. He cycles through normal/stable moods where he is mostly upbeat, enthusiastic about things, funny, loving, consistent with communication, and articulate. Then every few weeks he pulls back, becomes distant, quiet and tense on the phone or in person, snappy, seems to pick fights, cuts off conversations, sometimes doesnt tell me I love you back (which he normally always does and says). Since I have known him I have noticed the ups and downs, but lately I have noticed them increasing in frequency and intensity.

This to me is something that should be seriously discussed aside from what I will respond to below. If it is mental illness and not treated your love and support will not be enough and it really isnt your responsibility to 'help' him .

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I am not sure if they are getting worse or if hes more comfortable with me and so isnt hiding it or whatever. He has had therapy in the past, but hasnt in awhile. I have encouraged him to try and resume this but he resists - I partially think it is career related because there are some stigmas still associated with this in his career. He has also not had great experiences in therapy and made the comment that it doesnt help him. I have not brought it up in awhile because I cannot force him to get help. I have tried to adapt my behavior, give him space when it seems thats what he needs, listen, be there etc....at times it feels like walking on eggshells though. I can ask a simple, neutral question and it seems like when hes in a down cycle hell misinterpret it and become irritated or snappy with me. Sometimes he has even yelled at me, which used to be really upsetting but I hate to say Im used to it.

You can change how you interact with him but not in the way you may be changing. If you adapt to him because he is mean or nasty or depressed or whatever you are allowing yourself to be hurt and it will become very toxic. If you change the way you interact with him by setting boundaries, expectations and consequences- that is what I believe will help you. Helping him is admirable, but helping you should be your priority. If he knows he has had therapy or even meds in the past then he knows the drill and has to want to help himself. How does he feel about treating you this way?

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I care about and love this person very much. I do not want to end the relationship. I do want to learn how to communicate better and set better boundaries for myself. When he is down, it greatly impacts my mental health. I have anxiety and depression that Ive worked on my whole life with therapy and meds. I have worked hard and still struggle with my own issues. Generally, I am okay but when he has these moods, it brings out my insecurity. I also feel like all my mental resources go into managing my responses to him and anticipating him, that I lose patience with others and am very irritable at work and with other people. Its almost like I pick up the energy from in and dissipate it elsewhere! This is very strange, I know.

I do not think this is strange at all. Have you heard of codependency? I think you should google it. What would you tell a friend if she were in the exact situation as you? Would you tell her to keep checking herself and modifying her behavior and change the way she interacts with her partner? Or would you encourage her to get help for herself?

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Communicating with him about this is difficult and almost impossible. He is sensitive and I think easily gets hurt, but then lashes out. I know this needs to be addressed somehow but Im scared to bring it up. I dont want him to think Im criticizing him. I cant figure out if this is depression, some kind of bipolar spectrum thing, or even traits of borderline. I have wondered if this is an abusive relationship, but Im not afraid of him, more so of upsetting him and hurting our connection.

I think you may want to consider your own therapy to work out a plan. Or sit down and make an actual pros and cons list. This seems like an awful lot of work. Love is wonderful and meaningful- it should never be that much work.