Hi Skeezyks,
i have found a nice site with all the possible definitions for gender and sexual identities. I cant give you the link now, but i will in my next post if you want to… I didnt read it all but i did find something that helped me. As i said the best definition i could find for myself is Demigirl. But im still searching. You’re never too old to find or even decide what term best defines you if you want it…. But as i already said… labels are just labels, knowing who you really are and staying true to yourself is what really matters the most imo… Anyway, thank you for reading and giving me your support.

Hi again Vanaheimr,
thank you too for answering again. I must admit i hoped you would. You seem very wise, attentive and quite expert on this matter. I dont think my T would have been able to reply better than you did. So a big THANK YOU to you!

As for your question, i think my answer is easy. The way i see it, sexual arousal is plainly a physical reaction that MAY make me feel like acting on it but generally doesnt (especially because it usually happens when having sex isnt very doable). While sexual desire is yes, detected by a physical excitement, but is primarily a mental thing - that i have used to actually have sex. So for me, sexual arousal usually doesnt lead to sex (maybe masturbation if i really feel like it), while sexual desire is a mental thing that i have used to actually have sex. I never really had a sexual impulse, but my mind could “convince” me to let my body do it.

Since i dont have a penis, it is and has been harder for me to learn to understand when my body tells me it feels excited/aroused. I think men have it so much easier because their bodies have a big reaction that you cant ignore, while in women its not so clear, or at least, not for me.

So anyway, thats why i said im free from sexual desire (mentally, i very rarely have felt the impulse), while it can happen that my body gets aroused. I already said what usually happens next.

As for touching its a bit more complicated. I love affection touching but only when i feel like it and/or by who i feel like it. If it comes spontaneously from the other person (friends, colleagues, acquaintances or even family members) it usually makes it difficult for me. It embarrasses me. Unless its from a person that i feel like receiving these kind of touches. Here im mostly talking about my mom (when i feel like it i go to her) or other people i have some interest on, be them boys or girls (men or women). As for hugs it also makes a huge difference if its started by me (rarely) or by others.
When i have a feeling that the touch becomes erotic (especially by boys) i suddenly get stiffen or contracted. I also kind of stop breathing and i feel a big rush of anger in my mind. It also happens when i get unwanted hugs or touches that i feel they have a second motive, not purely affective (erotic, trying to understand my body – wheres fat, where its skinny, how much etc.). all of these have happened, so im not talking abstractly but from direct experience. Its just hard to classify all experiences, so here are the general “guide lines”.
Lastly, support touches from people i admire a lot are special to me. Its as if the touch remains forever…
Im more for platonic long distance love than anything else. Mental is better than physical.

Sorry, i didnt understand the medical analysis part you asked me about the first time you mentioned it. You meant to ask me if i have ever done tests to see how much testosterone or estrogen hormones i have??? If thats the question…. No! It actually never crossed my mind to take such a test. Maybe it could be an interesting test to do, but i do not want to undergo the shame of asking for it to my doc…

As for CSA, i have worked on it in therapy… sometimes i still get triggered and yes im sure it has had its effects. Maybe all of these gender/sexual issues have been intensified, increased and exacerbated by CSA. Maybe without it, i would be a different person now… both on sexual and gender identity…

Actually i do like the examples of dummies or aliens. Aliens maybe better. I think they give a better idea of how i feel… but thank you for not wanting me to identify with an object… of course im not an object…

Thank You so MUCH again for talking with me about this. Its the first time for me…