I want to share with you how things are going.

The Christmas break is incredibly difficult. I wish I had just one family member who loved me. I feel awfully alone, incredibly anxious and afraid. It’s so dehumanising knowing you have no loving connection to others, especially when that’s just something that everyone seems to have, and not even give a second thought about.

At work people were talking about a scandalous affair and how that may impact family gatherings other the holiday season. I felt myself laughing and thinking well I guess that’s one perk of having no one. But I know it’s only a ‘thing’ in their family because they care about the implications.

One good thing I guess is that I’ve fully switched off from work - even removed my work emails from my phone whilst I’m off. I’m off for 10 days. The longest I’ve ever been off work. I intend to paint, read and write. I’m going to stay in as much as possible as my anxiety is very high.

1 week down - I see you in 2 weeks. Well, 15 days. I’m thinking a lot about what I get out of seeing you and why I am so drawn to you. I pause my thoughts when they start to make sense. They’re too painful. I’m just letting it be.