This morning I was hoping to have leave to go to the beach with my parents and niece. Unfortunately, and annoyingly. my pdoc hasn't shown up or called to give me leave so I am stuck in hospital. It is only 7.30 am but the sea breeze is coming in at midday cooling the air and whipping up waves. Not fun for snorkelling.

I feel so isolated. I have been IP for three weeks now. It seems I had a paradoxical reaction to the injection so it made my PTSD worse. I have been a mess. I am trying to be strong, and think positively but I am still drowning. I sucks that I will be IP on Christmas Day, but hopefully I will be allowed out for a bit. Hopefully I will be discharged after Christmas too. My pdoc wants to monitor me over the Christmas period to make sure I am safe. I just don't want to spend NYE in here as well.

I think I am improving. I feel my biggest problem is my social isolation. I have few friends, and those I rarely catch up with. I have no job to go to and be around people, and am not currently studying. So, most of my time is spent alone. Too much time to think. I do have a wonderful family, but they are also my greatest trigger. However, some great therapeutic work has made it much easier to be around them. I am really looking forward to Christmas and seeing my family. I feel so alone in my hospital room for hours on end. My heart aches with grief from my past, but it is good grief. A healing kind of grief. Next year is the beginning of a new decade. I have hope it is the beginning of the best phase of my life. Even though I still have strong SI I am fighting to make that true.