If others perceive me the way in which I perceive myself, then nobody would ever talk to me. I have a lot of self-hatred, probably far more than my fair share, pretty much stemming from my childhood. I never once heard "I love you" from either of my parents my entire life. I was always ridiculed, accused and put down for never being capable of doing anything right. When I hear a negative comment thrown at me directly by more than one person, it is a little hard to accept that it is about them and not about me. How long can I choose to ignore such comments as being false, even though I personally fail to see myself as such. So, with reluctance I throw it on the long pile of reasons I loathe myself. Yeah, I know I have good attributes but I wonder how many of them are ever noticed. As previously stated, in our minds, the negative will always take presidence in our minds. We've been programmed this way our whole lives. So when somebody finally tells you that they love you or pays you a compliment, it's hard to comprehend and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, and in my case, it inveratibly always does. To stand in front of a mirror and tell myself all these good qualities about myself just doesn't seem to work because I can't believe them. The negative is ground in so deep, it sometimes seems impossible to override with the possitive that I may receive. I feel really needy, I need constant reassurance that if somebody says they love me and won't ever leave me that is the truth. It has nothing to do with having trust in the other person, although it is always perceived that way and I'm sure it wears very thin on them trying to convince me of that, but it is about my beliefs and prior experiences in my own life. Yes, this is a new person who hasn't done those things to me and it's not fair to assume that this new person will be any different from all others in the past. It's hard, it's VERY, VERY hard to not wait for the other shoe to drop no matter how much I trust this person. It's not about them and believing them at all, it's strictly about me and me alone. And also, separating a failure in my life to defining myself as a failure is just as difficult. Again, my past comes into play. It all boils down to my extreme lack of self-esteem, that is not going to improve overnight. I do have great empathy for the person who is trying to get through to my screwed-up brain and I feel sorry for them and their constant efforts to help me to feel deserving of all the good that they are giving me but I guess I just don't feel like I deserve it. Wouldn't it be easy if there was an 'erase' button we could push for all those old tapes that play over and over in our brains.

Cat, as trying as I am, and I know that you're trying very hard and I'm trying just as hard, please don't give up on me. I need constant reassurance and I'm sure that is very exhausting for you. I understand that and I'm sorry that it is so hard for you to get through to me but you are baby, just not as quickly as both of us would like.

Non-existant self-esteem is just another of many issues for me in therapy. I think I'll be in therapy for many, many YEARS but maybe with cat's love for me, he'll start to break through those barriers that I've had for so many years, starting with the one that I'm not lovable. If cat can love me, then I have to start to believe that my old tapes in that aspect must be wrong. I'm hoping he will help me break through other negative things that are playing in those old tapes and have been for years. I know he's the first person who has had much luck in actually breaking through my barriers and getting through to the real person who is buried deep underneath. He's obviously seeing the me that really is and not the me that I've been taught to believe that I am for many years. I love you cat!!! Whatever you're doing, it's working, you're getting through. I know it's trying for you at times and you get frustrated thinking it's not working but it is, it really is. Patience is the key to get through to a lifetime of bad taping. You're doing a great job and I love you.