I have never talked to anyone about my mental state how I perceive myself or believe others see me or the fact that I build a kind of version of myself for every person that I meet even though I can't stand humanity I want happiness for everyone i feel better if other people are happy until recently I never had to face these issues I have been married for 8 years been together for nearly 11 I had her and my 3 children to focus everything on now I've turned to drugs and alcohol the later being the worse of the two I got a dwi lost my business my vehicle my wife my kids stay away from me at first I kept companionship of women a different one for every night of the week I don't even know how I'm not attractive that didn't last long my funds ran out can't find a new job or a ride to one even if I could can't pay the dues on my probation the lights are now shut off at my home I contemplate suicide daily honestly the only reason I'm not gone already is because my two children and my stepson and I have a list of stuff before I go at this point I have lost interest in almost absolutely I do I took the crazy score it was bad better help online says see someone in person but I hate people and speaking it's taken 3 or 4 hours to write this once I post I may close the screen and never even look again I'm not certain how did any of y'all manage to go into a room with some up tight doctor and explain your broken even harder to not fake the emotion not pretend so you can get the help