Oh boy, do I know that one. I've been saying that for as many years as I can remember and as much as I never wanted to be alone again, the mere thought of opening my heart and letting someone penetrate within and leaving myself vulnerable has happened to me without even noticing it was and I couldn't stop it once it started. I know just how scary it can be, I'm scared to death right now, I've managed to maintain those walls for a long time and then it happened when I least expected it. I remember all the previous hurts that built those walls, that put me in a position that I didn't want to ever feel that hurt ever again, it just about killed me (well not literally) the last time, when my marriage fell apart. I thought never, ever again will I allow myself to get involved with someone just to open myself up for possible more hurt and leave myself so vulnerable. I *really* had a hard time with it and my walls were brick solid and I was successful, until recently when a really great guy found a crack in my walls and found his way in. Do I feel vulnerable and panicked? HELL YES!!! I wish I could feel secure in the love we have for each other but the old hurts just won't go away and although he is a new person, it's still damn hard for me. I hope with his constant reassurance, that we can get past my insecurities. I don't want to be hurt again, I remember only too well how it feels. That hurt doesn't go away overnight. I want my newfound love to work desperately and we're working on my insecurities. I'm not even sure why I'm telling you all this except that I very much understand exactly how you feel but maybe someday in your future when you least expect it, somebody will find a slight crack in your walls and penetrate to your heart too. I know you're probably saying right now, I won't let it but I said the same thing too. In fact, it was me that told him first how I felt, it was killing me to keep it in any longer, I felt like I was going to explode. By doing that, I really put myself at great risk of rejection because I thought he was feeling it was just a friendship but all along he was feeling the same thing too.

I guess what I'm trying to so ackwardly say is to hold steadfast to your walls of protection as long as you need them but if you start finding yourself in the position where your feelings of friendship for someone start escalating to something more, I hope that you will take that huge step, lay your vulnerability our there and see where it takes you. Believe me, I never thought in a million years that I ever would but sometimes love is far more powerful than those walls of protection that we build.

In the meantime, hugs sweetie. I understand your pain, I understand your need for protection from hurt and not wanting to let yourself be vulnerable again. I lived it and I'm still working through mine. Much love and hugs being sent your way. I hope you'll let mine in.

{{{{{{{{mcdonald40}}}}}}}}}