i had forgotten about this. i am glad i remembered it today. i saw this interview that jane fonda did for oprah's masterclass many years ago. i could only find this short excerpt but it contains the most important part for me.
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jane fonda famously had a very difficult relationship with her parents. she did not feel loved. then one day, jane came upon her mother's health records. it detailed her mom's sexual abuse when her mom was young and for jane, it explained everything. she was able to realize that her mom's unhappiness and suicide had nothing to do with jane. that it wasn't jane's fault at all. understanding that her mom had childhood traumas that made her how she was, was life-changing for jane. i am sure her dad, who was famously cold and aloof, had his own childhood traumas too. this knowledge freed jane from her lifelong struggle with self-doubt and insecurities and led to compassion for what her parents must have endured.

jane's story also changed my life forever. my mom and my nanny were not nurturing. but i now understand that that was because they themselves had never been nurtured. it had nothing to do with me. i can now see them through the lens of understanding and compassion. peace has come into my heart.