Like most people on here, I just feel like I have to write this down. Keep in mind that Im not that depressed right now, but I have memories from the time when I was depressed all the time, and I remember how horrible it was. On here I will mostly just write about my depression, not my anxiety or later when I developed psychosis up until now. I have a great deal of respect for anyone on here thats going through depression, I know how bad it can get. I think this is going to be kind of long, but I have to write it.

Im only 19 years old, but I have been through really major depressions in my life. I was depressed sometimes when I was little but it wasnt that bad, I also had some anxiety too. I got it real bad 5 years ago when I was 14. I remember crying my eyes a couple times a day. All I did was stare out the window, looking for something, anything, then losing hope and I was looking for nothing. I would play every bad thing that could possibly happen over and over in my head then sit and cry. At first I would do this but parts of my day I would be manic and I would work and clean and exercise. A while later I shut down completely, all I did was sit and stare at things, and when I was alone I would cry.

I was still going to school and getting decent grades but everyone knew something was wrong. I stopped caring about everything. I had no fear of anything, no emotions except for sadness. I hardly ate anything because I didnt care anymore and I didnt exercise. All the color I used to see changed to grey, everything was dull and dark. I remember songs from that time on the radio, everytime I hear them again all I can think of is how bad it was. I would spend hours alone in my room with no light and stare, thinking, and when I couldnt handle it anymore I would cry my eyes out again.

For the next 2 1/2 years after this I was on medication, I was tried on like 5 different medications. Throughout that time my brain was being poisoned by all of that. I couldnt think straight and I wasnt myself, I went to a mental ward 3 different times, only 10 days all together. I would actually rather be depressed than go through all that. My mood changed a lot throughout this time. None of it helped me that much so I refused to take it anymore and havent taken any for 2 1/2 years. Im against taking medication, since I believe it killed my brain. The last 5+ years of my life have been hopeless. I dont get depressed as much anymore but recently I developed psychosis and I always have anxiety. I just hope all this will end one day and Ill get better. I wish my life would get better.