This post is going to be triggering. I'm going to try to not go into detail, but I need to talk about the event for the feelings to make sense.

The event


I feel like it is my fault. Like I could have done something to stop it before it happened. I could have told someone, I could have gone to the doctor, my aunt was a social worker. I could have done something that would have prevented it. That's how it feels.

Logically, it's not that simple. The police wouldn't be able to hold him very long if they arrested him at all. I'd have to see him at school 5 days a week, I couldn't just get away from him. (We were 17.) Even if I didn't see him at school, I would be the girl that got him arrested. He was popular and I wasn't so much.

Recently, it's really been getting to me. I'm having more flashbacks and body memories. I can see and feel it happening all over again. These have caused me to

I'm in PHP and was in PHP in October and 2 weeks ago. The T there called for a welfare check on me both times when I didn't show up and he couldn't get me on the phone. In October, I called for help. Two weeks ago, those cops are the only way I was going to get help.

I just want to get over this, and I don't know how to do that. I bought a couple of books today on the topic, but I'm not sure I'll even be able to read them without breaking down.

Sorry, this got really long, if you are still reading, thank you...
Any replies would be greatly appreciated.