Yesterday I actually felt myself getting angry, thinking about T taking a break and me not being able to control her...Unyet I knew that apart from the anger I felt toward her, I also knew there must be love because I woudn't go back each week if all I felt was hate...so thsi wasn't making sense to me?.,..I was then getting angrier because I was thinking about the anger and thinking about how T would be if she had been in front of me whilst this was going on in me...I played the anger tape forward and asked myself what is it I hoped in my fantasy that my being angry at T would do? Get her to say "oh I am sorry, I shouldn't take a break, your needs and desires are so much more important than mine"...of course this isnt what T would ever say or think...its proberbly what I am thinking.....I know I grew up watching my adoptive parents argue with each other then after 2 weeks when my father would begin to speak again...all would be love and light and It appeared to me that they had both got something good because then they would be happy...so I guess I'd learnt to get what you want you throw tantrums and with-hold yourself presence as punishment then you get what you want...the anger inside of me yesterday felt red hot, felt like I needed to give it to someone, to make someone else hurt like I was hurting..but then I realised I dont really want to hurt T because she is a kind gentle person, but its like I didnt know any other way to handle the feelings inside of me, that just talking about them would not be enought..that I neesded action there and then...but there was no one I coulsd talk about it with because T's on a break, so I wrot3e and wrote and self talked and self talked....and realised that its a case of taking resposilbity for my own feelings.. to work through them...and not just act on them....its easier to accuse others of being the course of your pain then it is to see them as a humanbeing with needs like myself...perhaps thats what adult hood is??