Well, I've browsed this board a bit and thought I'd try to post.

I've been divorced now for 5 months, separated from my ex almost two years. We have four kids, two grown and on their own, two living with me (teens).

My ex and I had a very hard time before he left (I gave him the ultimatum to end an affair or leave). Before he left, he probably was going through some bad midlife crisis. After he left, I found a lot of porn and other information on the family computer that indicated this affair wasn't just an affair, and that there could have been a possible sex addiction going on for a while.

During this time, I noticed how withdrawn he was, he was terribly mean (either he would ignore me or be totally cruel). I got terribly depressed. I don't think I ever got through this.

I've had so many stressful events the last few years that I'm really very unhappy and had even thought of suicide a few times. I'm now still trying to sell or get rid of our family home and it is in the process of foreclosure. And my ex is blaming me for this. Whenever I try to talk to him about this or the kids, he will make certain that his solution is to turn the blame onto me, and put his girlfrined on the phone to insult me.

I can't take this any longer. I did not want this divorce, but my ex gave me no choice. We were married a very long time, and all that happened killed my self esteem, my self confidence, and any hope I have for even having a future for myself. (I'm still relatively young... mid 40s.) I have a hard time trusting anyone these days, and my life sucks. I think I'm even nuts for saying this, but I still love my ex in someways. I just don't think he'll ever return to the person he used to be before all of this... and seeing him or even talking to him tears me apart still.

Some things he said to me just before and during our divorce were horrible. I ended up becoming very angry and retaliating... not good, I know. I didn't plan for my life to be this way. I had a very long marriage. Did anyone else go through anything like this?