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fishjam
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fishjam has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 18
3 yr Member
8 hugs
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Default Dec 25, 2019 at 04:19 PM
 
I didn't really know which subforum to put this in so I hope this place is okay.

sometimes I feel really grateful for my friends and the positive people in my life, but other times I just feel crushingly lonely and I find it extremely hard to reach out to anybody because I always feel like a bother and burden. Hardly anybody contacts me first, and when they do sometimes it's hard for us to hold a conversation. I'm just not that close to a lot of people and I guess part of that is because I'm depressed a lot, I don't have a lot to talk about with other people because talking about 'how are you doing' and my answer will be negative 95% of the time if I answer honestly. I try to just not bother people instead.

Sometimes (often) I have this thought or wish that everybody would abandon me first. I think to myself that if I had no attachments, I wouldn't have to worry about burdening people anymore. I wouldn't have to think "maybe I should reach out to someone right now" because there would be nobody for that except anonymous internet forums like here. And here it's 'safe' because I don't have to stay. I can log off and never come back if I choose to. If people irl abandon me first then I don't have to worry about hurting them with my negativity and things like that. If I'm not attached to anybody I can be 'free' because I don't have to worry 'is what I'm about to do going to hurt/worry/upset somebody else?' I just want to be that person who moves away, changes their name, and become a different person.

I guess I feel caged and restricted by who I am and my current environment. I want to leave everything behind but I don't want to hurt other people so I wish they would all abandon me first.

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call me fish. he/him pronouns.
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