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Originally Posted by Crook32
All the problems I have had the last 5 years originated with severe depression and seeking treatment. I have just recently realized that I am blaming myself for getting sick and seeking treatment. I feel like the hospital ruined my life. My T has been trying to convince me that I had no other options. She did say though that I went back to work too soon each time which didn’t help matters. So how do I forgive myself and stop blaming myself for my illness? Logically I know I can’t control that I get depressed. I mean there are things I can do to help lessen the effect it has on me but I have an illness and need to accept that. I need to accept myself. It is proving harder than you would think. Any words of wisdom to help me get unstuck and able to move forward and not beat myself up so much?
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Hi Crook. I can understand feeling this way. Treatment that doesn't work out to your highest possible good can feel like a mistake. There are many things we can do to ensure we get the best treatment possible, but this can be incredibly difficult to achieve when we are not at our mental best. Our judgment is clouded and it can be difficult to advocate for ourselves under these conditions. The medicines leave us feeling life different versions of ourselves that we often do not recognize at first and oftentimes we are just struggling to survive in the moment. Pair all of that with one seeking treatment for the first time without an understanding of how complex the mental health system and processes are and a lot of times the results are less than desirable.
I agree with bpcyclist that forward movement can only be found in the moment. I'll offer a slight twist though. I think it helps when we catch ourselves beating ourselves up about our past. It pulls us backward. This typically isn't the most valuable motion. What is often better is to recognize it and then replace it with thoughts of forgiveness. We can remind ourselves that we were sick and we did what we thought was best. For example, in your case going back to work 'early' was not an easy choice. Keeping a job and reducing the negative feelings others have toward us for being away is real despite what your therapist says. So you forgive yourself for that.
In addition to forgiveness, we also must ask ourselves, what did we learn from the past? Spend time in the moment gathering your lessons learned. Then, project them onto your future. Make a deal with yourself that if you find yourself in similar unwell territory that you will approach it with a better mindset and toolkit. You are no longer new to seeking treatment. You know how better to help yourself.
Forgiveness of the past paired with strategic planning for the future helps us to let go of the anchors that keep pulling us down or backward however you view it. It allows us to truly live in the moment because we have made peace with the past and we can rest easier knowing our future might be a bit easier. For me, this is how I get the most value out of mindfulness in the moment. Otherwise, my ability to connect with the now is split with shame of my past and worry for my future.