she didn't let me feed myself. i remember throwing a tantrum because i wanted to feed myself and she wouldn't let me. early memory... i guessed i was about three... but then my t's jaw dropped. 'she wouldn't let you feed yourself when you were three???'

um... 'i dunno. it may have been earlier'.

she didn't let me pick out what clothes i wanted to wear. she would lie them out on the bed while i was having a shower or whatever. she wouldn't let me wear anything else. i remember throwing a tantrum because i wanted to wear something different and she wouldn't let me. i guess i was about 7 but i didn't tell my t...

i always felt invaded by her. for as long as i can remember. don't have any good memories of positive encounters. just remember wanting to get away from her. don't remember feeling attached to her at all.

i remember going along to interviews with principles because i wanted to go to school a bit earlier than was standard (mostly to get away from mother for longer, i remember). and the principles never believed that i'd be alright without my mother. and i was practically begging them 'i'll be good i promise please let me go to school. pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease'.

i just wanted her to get away from me.

i used to fantasize that she would get run over on her bike by a truck. gone. dead. maybe one of my teachers would look after me... being in a home would have been better than being with her. i used to fantasize about getting the carving knife and stabbing her when she was asleep. i used to have nightmares about trying to do that and she would open her eyes all of a sudden. and look at me. i'd wake up with cold chills and sweats. that was when i was about 11. i remember telling myself that it would be okay cause i was a minor but that i'd better do it soon or they would be harsher with the punishment... i used to pray (when i believed in such things) that god would kill her or allow her to die or whatever. i just needed to get away from her so bad.

and my father was so distant. never hurt me but never stopped her hurting me either. left when i was 7. cried myself to sleep everynight from the time he left until... well... i still do it a lot truth be told. the fear the panic the lonliness... i always wanted him to be closer to me but he was always so far away. and then he left. and moved on. and forgot about me. he needed to in order to be alright himself, i guess. when i think of him i feel sad.

:-(

but i think my t thinks it is weird. that i never attached to her. he was like... 'you must have been but then the hurt made you turn away'. but if i ever was it was far far earlier than i can remember... i can't remember feeling attached to her.

my t said i got away. it must have been hard to develop an identity of my own, but i did. i said i didn't do so well and he was like 'how do you mean' and i was like 'well i don't really have much of a sense of myself even now, do i'. and he was like... 'she must have been a force'.

and she was. like a black hole. sucking everything that is distinct from her inside it. annihilating anything that is not her. insatiable. he said she must have been an adversary... maybe she was. maybe htats how come i'm so bad tempered.