i remember at primary school she said that if i didn't wear what she laid out then she would buy my high school uniform early and i could wear that all the time.

i remember she used to go to these 'tough love' meetings. she said it was because i was so hard to love.

i remember she used to have these worksheets. it would list everything i was supposed to do. stuff like 'get out of bed at 7am' and 'make bed' and 'eat breakfast' and 'brush teeth' and 'get dressed'. and she would do an inspection. and i'd get a tick for whatever she thought i'd done correctly... and if i did everything right in a day (which i think i only managed about 5 times) then she said she would give me 50 cents. pocket money. mostly i got nothing. got grounded for a week cause there was a wrinkle in the bed or cause i didn't eat all the breakfast cause it was too much for me and i wanted to throw up. even if i managed to do everything she wanted in the mornings i was bound to %#@&#! up in the afternoons. something i said or a look in my eyes would have her say i was being smart and that meant i got nothing. it undid everything. i remember resigning myself to being perminantly grounded from the time i was 11... sometimes she would let me do stuff... but mostly not. not fit for human company she said. sick sick i feel sick.

i hate her i hate her i hate her.