but the funny thing was that i wasn't a doll. i would get my brothers hand downs mostly. i remember going through a phase of being upset about that... but it wasn't like she wanted to dress me like a doll or anything. it was just... control, i guess. i don't know. maybe she wanted to dress me like a boy cause my father wanted a son? i don't know.

i didn't want to tell my t because i didn't want to start ranting abotu all this stuff. just in what i told him... triggered this off...

shame. thats the feeling really. just such immense shame. yeah. i think i was about three and she wouldn't let me feed myself. that was why i was throwing such a tantrum about it. i didn't want her to feed me. it was embarrassing. humiliating. i most certainly didn't want her doing it in public... so i was trying to get her to stop it at home. but surely i didn't have that cognitive capacity at three. so who the %#@&#! knows.

i... used to tell her i hated her sometimes. and... i did hate her. but she would get really upset abotu that. really upset. violent. so i didn't tell i hated her as much as i felt it. i just don't understand why i don't feel any loving feelings for her at all. why i wasn't attached to her at all. if i was before that... i must have been... i don't know.