Dear community,
I just ended a realtionship, that started in summer, all new honeymoony, promising and great and then degenerated quickly into a text message exchange. The man, first overwhelmingly charming, stated early that he had depression and thanks to me it had allegedly improved enough for him to get off his meds.I learned quickly that things always needed to go his way, otherwise he'd go silent and I committed as much as I could, invested time, made a lot of compromises, including no sleep when I was with him and getting up at 4:30am. His moods shilfted a lot and he was rarely overtly mean, more snarky and sarcastic. He expected me to know how to behave around him, but never told me when I asked. He distanced himself more and more when summer turned into fall, seasonal affective disorder I thought, and I tried to show him a lot of understanding and love to keep his spirits up. The result was that he didn't answer his phone anymore, and barely read any texts of mine anymore. He insisted he was tired, but we are still partners and all his batteries are in the red zone. I understood, gave him time and waited. 50 days precisely, barely any messages. In between I asked if he is still interested in seing me at all, if he still feels anything for me, where we are standing or what he suggests to do. No answer to any of those questions, ever. He felt unable to answer, he said. I did ask questions like this for months. Mixed messages, no real answers and actions and words didn't align. Later on, he never answered his phone anymore when I called, then once he did very angrily followed by an apology via text message. Then he was angry because I didn't respond right away. It was his rules, and I felt very disrespected , plus he always insisted he didn't want to lose me and we were partners. Yet he went on the dating site on which we had met, I noticed when I checked once. He threw a fit when I didvisit the site to take my pictures down in the beginning. It has always been tit for tat with him and he talked very badly about his ex, super resentful, constant negative moods and was angry with the whole world. When I was happy he called me fake, when I was down he said I was supposed to be the happy one here. Whatever I did, he found something wrong and I finally drew the line before christmas because the pain and suffering became too much for me. Via text though, I admit that it is inappropriate but he blocked me from calling him and closed all doors but texts. So I wrote a heartfelt text, keeping it very peaceful, no blaming, just staing my feelings, saying that it just didn't fit anymore and I wasn't happy and I knew it was due to his depression, yet I'd be there if he needed any help. (I said that because I sincerely care and because I know he has almost no relationship with his parents, his siblings or any close friends to talk to..I kind of see why now). What I got back was no understanding but blame and so much hate, how pathetic I was posting positive status updates . I was being a hypocrit , those quotes were pathetic, fake, paltry and I should spare him. I replied that he didn't need to look at my status if he didn't want to and that it is my business what I post there. He really shows me a whole new, very mean side, so I am glad it is over. Yet I feel like I have hit someone who is already down. When I got his spare me the quotes in your status-message, I really physically shivered for 10 minutes. The muscles all spasmed with no end to it. I felt panic. I often did with his messages, which is why I turned off notifications.
I have been in abusive relationships before, he was never ever physically abusive but emotionally very manipulative, I guess. I know he carries a lot of hate , which will now be directed at me. Luckily, we don't live close or work in the same area, but I feel scared and guilty now. Guilty because I have hurt him by cutting off somebody who is depressed and has no one else. I just didn't see any perspective, he didn't want to get help. communicate, talk, answer, but still have me somehow as a partner (what?!). I thought about just blocking him everywhere , but is that too mean? The confusion, anxiety, guilt and relief on the other hand just keep spinning in my head. Therefore I'd really be grateful for tips or opinions. Sorry for the major essay and thanks in advance