Most of you are echoing what I think I know in my gut, it's not worth it. Heck, I think I even knew that that's what y'all would say on the matter.

So why did I ask? I don't know. As I sit here typing this I can feel the disappointment. A sort of frustrated angst that yearns for the release of...something.

Maybe I'm just sick of being a good boy. Maybe my will to do the right thing is fading. Or maybe it's the mind of an addict creating a justification, a loophole to get some sort of fix.

Oh, and correction, I redid the math and I'm not at 8 years yet. I'm at 7 and change. Not that it matters.

So what's really going on in my heart? I think perhaps life is just wearing me down and the allure of past escape techniques is bubbling up from my subconscious. But even seeing this rationally, god the desire to allow this minor transgression is powerful.

So damn it anyway, despite the sorrow and boredom and stress, I know I should just keep my seat on the wagon.

Cyran0