I'm definitely struggling. I am struggling with myself and my own thoughts and emotions that swirl around.

I am trying to compartmentalize so I don't get overwhelmed again, but that's really hard for me. I am trying to take life one day at a time.... that helps. What's ahead today and only focus on TODAY.

My biggest struggle right now is with my idealistic thinking. I am idealistic about just about everything, and I have a strong sense of right and wrong. And when I see "wrong" things, unjust things, I get very unsettled and depressed even, especially when the injustice falls upon me.

I have a solution for one of work problems where I am being taken advantage of..... I am also praying my CEO changes my boss's role so that I no longer have to work underneath him.... I don't know if that will happen... I know my boss and the CEO have held several conversations. My boss has been looking very glum lately, so something is definitely up, I can tell.

I feel like work is this very strange battleground, where the battle is secretly being played and not outwardly. Like people pretend to be your best friend, but underneath the surface, they're backstabbing you and are battling you to come out ahead and to come out the winner.

Is work in fact, a battlefield? Is this the realization I am coming to???? These are the thoughts that are swirling around, disturbing me. I am old enough to know what the working world is truly like. I've been around the block for a while, and I've worked in many different work environments. But they all feel eerily the same: like a battlefield.

So lately I feel when I wake up that I have to put on my mental suit of armor to shield and protect myself on the battlefield. It's utterly exhausting.

Much of this is stemming from my toxic boss. I know he feels threatened by me. It's obvious. And I don't know how to handle it best. I boost his ego when needed and without being a kissup, and I am a good team player. I ask him for his input and guidance as needed, and I treat him respectfully. I don't know what else to do. He acts like my best bud on the surface, laughing and joking with me, but I know for a fact that he is backstabbing me at the same time. Two other colleagues who left the company told me directly that he is known for throwing people under the bus in order to look good himself. Which is what he does to me. And I know he's doing this to me: I have witnessed it firsthand.

So I am prepping mentally for the work day, putting on my invisible shield of armor.

How am I coping? I am trying to take the advice I've heard for so long: one day at a time, one step at a time. Take baby steps even, and focus only on the here and now, not on the whole picture.

I guess I feel deeply unhappy, underneath it all. That's what I am getting to. The battle, the toxicity, it's all weighing on me. I have to stand up for myself and watch my back at all times. I come home from work and all I want to do is lie down, close my eyes and sleep.

This is no life. I have to make a change. But how can I change who I fundamentally am? I am idealistic and I see things in terms of how it COULD BE: the potential for improvement and all good things. How do I even begin to change that way of thinking? How do I bring myself down to reality? And be more more realistic?

Reality depresses me. Most people suck, many work environments are toxic. Many of those who are in leadership are inept and shouldn't be. All I see is how things SHOULD BE, and not how THEY ARE.