I am putting this here in case anyone can relate and or has something to add.

I have in the past been an obsessive exerciser. This, I came to realise, was not mentally healthy (nor physically either as high intensity frequent working out can stress the body and increase cortisone I have read).

I suspect it was my way of creating the illusion of control. But if I missed a workout I would obsess and stress and I felt down if my performance was not good enough.

Initially exercise was a positive affirming thing and my physical health benefited as well as my mental health. It changed gradually over time and became less positive as I became more obsessive.

I have recently started jogging again but I am struggling to get into it. I would like to do it regularly but healthily and not get obsessive.

I do wear my sports watch although my fastest times are way behind me and not something I want to achieve again anyway. Maybe I need to stop using it? That feels kind of radical. But a run is still a run right? Regardless of what my watch says.

I am sat on the sofa this drizzly lunchtime wanting and yet not wanting to run. I want to enjoy it yet I fear I won't.

I guess I will give it a go.