See but then I have a few good days and start thinking that maybe I really don't need any help and maybe all this crap is just in my head and I'm just trying to get attention or trying to hide from all my mistakes by blaming them on something other than myself. Maybe I am just lazy and procrastinating and it's got nothing to do with poor concentration, I'm just not in the mood to put in the effort to get %#@&#! done. Maybe all those impulsive behaviors are just bad decisions and I knew what I was doing and I knew it was wrong and there's nothing to blame it on but myself and I'm just fishing for something else to blame it on so I don't feel so guilty. I'm not mentally ill I just want to be ill so I can hide from things. Whenever things get tough I just run. I don't deal with my problems I just create more. And when my life finally started to get good, I just go and ***** it all up again. It's my own dang fault. If I really wanted to fix this I would have done it 2 years ago, 4 years ago, heck 16 years ago. But then again, if my suicides are all about getting attention, then why does no one in my life even know about the one when I was 11. I never told anyone. All they know is that I ran away from home, they don't know that the reason I ran was because the pills didn't work and running was plan B for if I didn't die. But even then, nobody cared that I ran away all they did was get mad at me for causing so much problems. No one ever cared to ask me why. But that was 16 years ago why the heck does it matter now. I'm an adult I should be responsible for my own life and my own problems and not keep asking for others to help me get over stuff. Everyone else has real problems to be depressed about. All my problems are self-caused. I'm just annoying everyone by complaining about stupid little things that I should just be grateful for what I have and shut up and move on. I'm not crazy I just want to be crazy.