I can't stop obsessing about how much of a screw up. I feel and think that I am so stuck in this never ending misery i have put myself in and don't see an end. So many bad decisions have got to where I am. I beat myself up for quitting a job i was.stressed doing, but knew it like second nature. I quit to do another job. No 2 weeks. I took another job thinking this is going to work out better. Long story short, not treated right made me feel inadequate. Might have stuck it out if i knew what else i was getting myself into. Got this other job. Told myself i couldn't didnt want to do it. Well after that had a break down. I did the unthinkable
(To avoid trigger warnings) I feel guilt of what I have put my parents through. After quitting my last job over feeling emotional overwhelmed, lack of confidence, low self esteem... I tried to do the unthinkable again based on how i was feeling and not showing up for the job. I just too overwhelmed starting new jobs the change, the pressure am i doing good enough? Sensitive to criticism. My over all feelings of what i done to others and making my own life worse. I have a new job and I have felt the same for the whole last year. Most would say you should be lucky to have a job etc. I can't seem to see the good in anything. I am lucky to still have a job as many times I have been late. Everything has me not wanting to wake up, or get out of bed to face what I have think about on a daily basis. Every day it is like this. I feel so damn guilty for dragging my dog through it all. Others say a dog doesnt know and just wants to be with you. I understand that much. Still doesnt make feel better. I had a life that was working out o.k. so i thought random walks etc. Now not so adventurous. I tell myself i took in this dog that i feel confident to take of myself and is not fair of me to not be this parent he needs. Felt comfortable to stay in my own place. Now I tell myself i dont have what it takes to conquer this thing that makes me not able to get away from my mess i have made around me. The toll I have taken on my whole mental state, view of my everyday life, every day interactions. I feel more hopeless as it has fallen apart around me. I beat myself up daily with ruminations of if I had done, if I had done that. I would not made parents miserable, along with myself living my own nightmare of a life. I pray i can see light at the end of tunnel. God please! No offense to none believers.