I am sorry you are struggling with this, Lily. I really connect with you on this topic, though. Ultimately and in the end, for me, I just feel like I am too much for people. Too much stuff. All the hospitalizations. Blowing up a big career. The divorce and being unable to see my son and, to a lesser extent, my daughter (at least she writes me). Tons of "friends" who do not speak to me anymore. It's all just more than people want to deal with.

I have come to the conclusion that people want easy. And we are not easy. At least, I am not. The folks who really stick by us after all we've done and been through, they are very rare, indeed. This is why PC is so special and vital to me. You guys get it. I don't have to explain everything.

Anyhoo, I would think chasing after people is probably the road to nowhere--not that you are doing that. I personally would put my energy into the places it is appreciated and not worry about the rest. As I try to remind myself, what other people think and feel about me is not really any of my business.