Hi again Vanaheimr,

Always nice to hear from you. Im glad I made you feel your contribution was appreciated because it was and is indeed. Very much!

Im also glad I was able to clarify what I meant by sexual arousal and desire, the difference between the two…

As I said, I originally thought I may be agender, but now im leaning more towards being a demigirl. 65-70% of me feels woman and the rest doesn’t like it/wouldn’t want it/feels male-agender or “alien”… all of this remaining 30% being fluid and changing according to the moment. I think this best describes me (what I was, am and will be).

Im not sure what I feel is enough to fit in the gender dysphoria though… I am accepting all of this without struggling much. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but never enough to cause a severe crisis. I just do my best with what I have and try to adapt myself with what makes me feel better in the moment.

When I wanted a boyfriend I became more feminine and flirting, copying (literally COPING) from women in tv or irl. I was never genuine or spontaneous. Whatever I did was for a reason and whatever I did, it didn’t feel like me, just a me that was imitating what I thought a woman would have done/said/been.

When I liked a girl I limited myself to enjoy secretly the little I was given: a few words, some simple touches etc. never did anything flirty or physically. I limited myself to “receive” and enjoy it. Maybe giving it a special value where there wasn’t any, but that’s how it went.

Now that im more in a “don’t need anybody”-mode, I have gone back to dressing more comfy, more sporty and generally not caring about people I have around in a “special way” or worrying about my look or anyone in a special way. Im feeling just free.

I like how you described the therapist’s job. That’s why next time im going to session I will bring my T a letter with what I have written here in these posts and it will be the first real time we talk about this in such depth.

As for your keys:

1) yes, most part of me considers myself a woman

2) I truly prefer masturbation to sex with someone else. Actually I hope I will never have to have sex with someone else again. (except if im in a phase when I want a boyfriend/hubby/kids). I have never felt wet as a sign of sexual arousal/desire. If it happens, it happens DURING sex or masturbation, not before. So I don’t really have indicators that physically tell me I want to have sex (physically or mentally).

3) surely CSA plays its role here when it comes to feeling frozen or angry when touched/hugged in certain ways (erotic or smothering).

Lastly, I don’t think I’ll ever take the tests for the hormones, but I appreciate the idea and will keep it in mind should I change my mind.

Thank you SO MUCH for listening so attentively and answering with so many inputs.
Takecare and hope to hear from you again…