Honestly Gymgirl, lots of people make mistakes because they just don't know any better. Often a person grows up in a home where they see/experience abuse and disrespect and dysfunction and that's what they begin to think is "normal". Also, what can happen is a person may grow up with parents that don't nurture them and help them feel loved for who they are, but instead are raised to "please" the parent in order to get recognized or valued. A person can end up in relationships that are unhealthy for them and it's often because it's WHAT THEY KNOW.

Unfortunately, human beings are designed to imprint messages and are very maleable to believing and following along. If you go down south in the US you will encounter many people who speak with a southern accent, and if you visit New York, people have an accent there as well. The same is true for a lot of areas here in the US alone. Yet, if you travel to other countries, you will meet people who learn to live their lives according to the language and culture and even the climate in that country or environment. Actually, if you happen to get a job working in a grocery store, you adapt to that environment where you take on a pattern that goes along with what is required to happen in that grocery store.

The human brain is set up to "navigate" and this is why people develop patterns of living their lives. This guy that you dated that became your boyfriend has his own way and pattern of navigating. No matter how many times you break away from him or go back to him, he will continue to live his life in his own pattern. You are not going to change that either. This is like going to a restaurant that has terrible service, and the food isn't very good, but you expect that to be different and keep going back only to continue to not get waited on right and end up getting served a meal you don't enjoy. Also, another way to look at this is how you keep going back to see a movie that has a bad story to it and you always feel bad after you watch that movie and yet you keep going back to it WHY?

All this guy does is make you feel bad about yourself in some way. All he does is invite you to play "his" game and his game is always the same game where you end up feeling bad about yourself and you never really enjoy HIS game. Also, HIS game happens to be all about HIM drinking and doing drugs and that's all he cares about. The people he calls "his friends" are just people that tend to do the same thing. Truth is all you end up doing is playing the part HE wants you to play in HIS game. Is that the only role you know how to play Gymgirl?

It's not really your ex that haunts you Gymgirl, instead it's the role you played that haunts you. Often a person grows to believe it's the only role they can play, it's what they KNOW. Well, don't feel too bad Gymgirl because it happens to the best of us. Sometimes a person is lonely because that person only learned to play with the wrong kind of people that tend to only play their OWN games that can in fact be SELFISH games.

A person can be lonely when they are alone, and just as lonely when they are surrounded by dysfunctional people. Actually, that is why this past holiday is when so many people feel the worst. All therapists will tell you it's the busiest time of year for them.

What is important about this thread of yours is you are admitting you made a mistake with this ex boyfriend. You are beginning to see how this relationship really is not healthy for you. What you need to learn is how you might set yourself up for experiencing a toxic relationship in ways you did not realize before. Perhaps, part of this is how you have been imprinted or conditioned in ways you may not really be aware of.

For example, for myself, I grew up in an environment where my father was a binge alcoholic and he insisted that others play HIS game and give into how HE wanted things to be in our home. Unfortunately, when someone grows up with a binge alcoholic, they are unknowingly imprinted and conditioned to live their life around the cycles of that disease. What is not realized is a person can grow to believe this is NORMAL. Unfortunately for me, that is what led to my living my entire life around a person that has that same disease or challenge. My father was a binge alcoholic and so was my husband and because of that I have lived my entire life around the patterns of behaviors a person with that challenge presents. I am 63 years old and I did not know the actual red flags that were showing all the signs of the challenges I would face. My husband finally did stop drinking, at one point I got so I could no longer live my life around HIS binges. The problem with this is that while he did finally stop drinking and he went to meetings, he still presented a pattern of behavior even when sober. My husband's life was first about binging and drinking and having others around him in his life that were the same as him, to staying sober and STILL having others around him that are like him. My husband's life has always been about that disease and because of that I have continued to be lonely in my marriage. My advice to you in regards to this ex boyfriend? Run like hell because even if he stopped his partying, he will take the rest of his life needing and struggling and that is something that is always first in their lives, and it's lonely for the person that lives with a person like that. In all honesty, I often feel my husband would be happier with a wife who shares that challenge. I have noticed how for some, they are happy going to meetings and doing this life long staying sober and going meetings together.

I have been married now for 39 years and I can say "I made a mistake", and I did not see the red flags that would lead to many challenges and the kind of lonliness I experience. I try to remind myself not to beat myself up for this because the truth is "I did not know" and while I wanted something different from my father, I failed to see the things that were the "same" that would continue to be unhealthy for me. From what you describe, his own family sounds like they enable him too. That most definitely can happen.

I cannot say enough how important it can be to understand how just because another person invites you to "play" doesn't mean their game is a healthy one. It's so important to pay attention to how you FEEL when you play that other person's game too. Often a person plays a game where YOU are not important, it doesn't mean you are not worthy of feeling important or having value either. Often, a person is conditioned to accept things they shouldn't. It's unfortunate, but this tends to be a part of how we are designed too. What you learned when you once again got involved with this ex, is you are NEVER going to change how he is as a person. The only thing you can do is see how he is unhealthy for you, to see why you once again agreed to play his game, and pay attention to the red flags a person exhibits that mean "you will walk away unhappy". Or the relationship will constantly contribute to your feeling bad or unhappy disrespected or feeling like you have no value. Sometimes a person gravitates to the very kind of person that is unhealthy for them, and they gravitate more to what they know without realizing the comfort in "knowing" and "it's something familiar" doesn't always mean it's safe or healthy. Unfortunately, human beings are creatures of habit.