My thoughts are going down a negative spiral tonight.


It started out because I'm lonely. I have been lacking in social things to do this December.


I got into problem solving mode. Like, maybe I can go to church again. I used to go to a Unitarian church. I never felt like I fit in there though I do wonder if all the stuff that goes on inside me when I'm in groups of other people is my issues.


Now I'm thinking all negative about people at church though. I can be quite negative sometimes. I don't try to be. I mean, if I had a choice in my make up, I'd be a sunshine and roses person.


I may go to church tomorrow, I may not. I think it's important right now though, to get out of the muck. I'll probably watch animals on YouTube.


Another thing, I think I'm the kind of person who may come across, in real life, as quiet and broody, in groups. And I am. Sometimes I think I really dislike people in groups as a whole. But thats how ya gotta meet people. And I don't hate people. But sometimes, I feel like a cat who just wants to wander around and be weird when I'm in a group. Whatever lol.


I'm learning weird things about myself as a social being by being in my DBT group. I don't much like it (what I'm learning about myself). Like I'm sensitive, feel annoyed and offended easily, get over stimulated very easily, get lost quickly with the material (I'm not stupid at all, but it's just the layout of the group). And it's very hard sometimes, to speak up and say what I mean, or correct someone if they're wrong about what I've said. These are just some examples. I'd ultimately like to accept myself. As well as learn to be comfortable with speaking up and being assertive.

My therapist says she doesn't think this is social anxiety anymore. I disagree to an extent. But I'm open to the idea of it being something else too. I have depression but that doesn't fit. I also have personality disorder traits. I've had a hard time accepting that. But the truth is, society is very mean to people with certain diagnoses, and society is stupid and knows nothing about it. I asked my therapist what she thinks it is and she said "Does it have to have a name?" I might want it to have a name. I'm not sure she feels that giving it a name will be helpful though, given what I've told her about me being misdiagnosed before, and also having a sensitivity to being called certain things.


Being an adult is hard. It was sort of easier when I was a kid. I just went to school, and that was socialization for me. I'm glad I'm going back to school in January. I need something to do. Maybe I will try working too.


Ok, off to YouTube. Thanks to those who listened to me ramble. If you got this far, congratulations. You win a hug.
And pizza.