thank you for sharing,
for a very long time i have struggled so much with anxiety, depression, P.D , PTSD, dissociative identity disorder, anti-social behavior , alcoholism , excessive drug use , violent behavior , you name it ! i was at war with the universe, i have disapointed my self and everyone who ever cared repeatedly, there was times i knew i cannot be fixed anymore , and it took me a very long time to realise that its not working and i dont need help anymore, that this is who i am and trying to change who i am took everything from bad to worst .

im not sure that im balanced enough to be eligible to advise you on anything but this is what i have learned from therapy and family and my own experience about "how to live life as a human " :

there is a few things we all need to consider as humans regardless of our past or our present,

- ( you are who you are and there is no use to fighting it ) because im tired of fighting it too , i want to be happy with who i am without this endless worry of what others see in me.
- ( life is too short to be counting months and years or failures ) when i look back at my life i see the destruction that i have done but i also see the time i spend wishing if i did things in a different way , or if i had the courage to do the things i was afraid to do ,you should do whatever you feel like doing because life is too short to worry about tomorrow .
- (if i could turn back the time i think i will do it the same all over again )
you know what? im tired of regretting what i did , who i am , my choices , my disorders, this reality of mine is all i have and and nothing will change that , i need to embrace it and have a few good days before im too old with no energy to do anything at all .
- ( hearts are made to be broken, and all relationships will end because no one lives forever ) i took me lots of years to understand the value of today , and i still struggle to apply it in my life, why should i worry about anything or anyone if nothing is meant to last forever , i better enjoy it while i can than be sad about it , i used to care more than i should !

i dont know if this will help you cheer up or make you sadder !

we all give too much value to how others see us , when the only person that matters is us and how we see our- selves .

i hope you never have to cry in the new year eve .