Last session, I had figured out a lot of things to talk to T about. I have traced back to once incident that probably had quite a bad effect on my reactions today.

I have OCD. Last Monday, after his vacation, I was dying because I just had to see him or talk to him. See, contacting my T is my compulsion. I get massive anxiety, it's unbelievable. Well, he called me after I called him four times. It was great. However, I asked what I should do if it were to happen at night? He doesn't answer his calls at night unless they are an emergency.

I never have called him then. I guess I can't live on "what ifs", I just wanted a contingency plan. Plus, he knew how much pain I was in. How can anyone who knows how much pain that causes not help someone? I just don't understand it.

Transference plays an issue here, too, though. I remember a time bawling when I was 16 and there was no one there to console me, no one to tell me how to deal with these problems.

Like sucks. I feel like I'm playing by a different set of rules.