Gymgirl, your mother's problems controlled her life and you grew up having to accept that YOUR needs and things that were important to you were not important to your parent. This dynamic is what is familiar to you, what you know. Well, this is exactly what this ex is doing with you too.

It sounds like you get very lonely, desire some kind of presence that can give you "some" kind of affection and recognition. There are people who at times will provide "some" crumbs of affection. This is what keeps you going back. This is what your mother did too, you learned to survive on "crumbs". This is the familiar that never was healthy for you and you had to learn how to live your life this way when you had no choice. You learned to relinquish your own needs and were even encouraged to see this as "normal". This is what codependents do, they give up their place, their needs, things that are important to them to others. They typically end up with a presence that puts them in this role and they tend to settle into this role because it's what they know how to do.

You mentioned in another post that your mother never divorced you? Well, a person who needs the presence of a codependent learns how to keep that presence in their life. Also, this is what you have been taught to do, the role you ended up being place into. Sure, you get to a point where you get sick and tired of having to do all the caring and work, so you walk away from that individual. However, you end up going back because it's what you are familiar with and for you to totally end that role can feel like you are responsible for being lonely again.

I don't want my input to encourage you to feel bad about yourself Gymgirl. That tends to push a person to actually go back to a person that isn't healthy for them and then just not talk about it. I know because it's what I did myself. I watched my mother stay with my father who did not respect her and tended to only be able to see things HIS way. My mother stayed with my father, but she was LONELY with him. However, in my mother's generation women were expected to learn how to be codependents. People will say, "my father was such a jerk and I don't know how my mother stayed with him and put up with it". Well, a lot women were taught to believe they had no choice but to "put up with it". I know some of that rubbed off on me, after all, anyone can be maleable to following along long before they have any ability to know any different.