Hi, Fuzzy.

Yes, there were deeper reasons for me. A violent childhood, as you know.

I've given it a lot of thought over the years, and now see anorexia / bulimia as:

1. A way of making pain visible. Stopping the world. Saying very clearly that things are NOT alright.

2. An obsession. And, as with other obsessions, it can be used to distract from the real problem. (In my case, the real problem was low self esteem and not having the tools to defend myself, for instance against workplace bullies).

3. A phobia of 'fat'. A phobia being a learned behaviour and quite different to the other aspects of anorexia. But just as deadly. This is the one that leads to that feeling of, Ugh, no, I can't bear to gain even one pound in weight.

4. Highly resistant to 'normal' treatments. Clumsy psych help can definitely make it worse! For me, luckily, I almost chanced upon a counsellor who was really into inner child CBT. And that really worked for me. Well, it took years of false dawns, but now I would never go back to that horror.

All you can think about is food and vomiting. Every waking second. No enjoyment in being thin, just terror of not maintaining it. There is literally no upside to this disease!

Big hugs to anyone who is trapped in that Hell.