Hello,
It’s been a long while since I’ve been on this site.

Basically, I feel confused over all my emotions and thoughts. I can’t cope with it, it seems, not knowing who I am and what I’m going to do next. I jump from one idea to the next. And then scratch out the whole plan, and then I’m left with nothing.

I don’t know how I feel on a regular basis. I’m taking DBT right now, but I still find it difficult to put my emotions into words, when I usually don’t think I experience ‘real’ emotions.

My mind hurts from all this thinking. I feel dead and I don’t know how to function in this world where I may not even be alive.

I’m diagnosed with schizoaffective depressive type, I think, but it doesn’t help me. I think my thoughts have somewhat cleared, but during times like now, I wonder if the medicine does help me at all. I don’t know if I was ever psychotic, I don’t think I was, but the doctors say differently. I can’t overcome them, or say differently. I’m on a plan right now where if I don’t take my medicine, they will come arrest me and make me take them.

Maybe, I keep thinking of dying, but I don’t want to disappoint people, so I don’t tell them all that I am thinking of.

Also, it’s difficult for me to communicate. That’s part of my problem. I can’t communicate effectively with others. It comes out in short, one word answers, most of the time. I am working on changing it though.

I hate myself the most.

I’m mostly just ranting here, because I have no one else to talk to.

I don’t care for most people, so I don’t even want friends. I feel I don’t relate to people at all, and if I smile and nod, I’m usually just faking it, pretending that I understand. When I really don’t.