to every one that has felt this. It's sad to me as well, because ... I just do not like feeling this way myself and I don't like that others feel this way too, because--- I find it awful to be in the space. But I am grateful for support and people Sharing their struggles on this with one another.
I do not have an answer.
I had kept my original post in my notebook on my phone, I reread it - I was very angry with this topic.. admittedly when I'm not 'down and out'/on the depressed spectrum, I seem to be able to gather my thoughts better on the subject-- however, it's always a touchy subject no matter my mood.
this topic can morph, in my thinking on several sub topics. I do apologize if I jump around, but have tried editing and order my thoughts.
With the specific topic that sparked much emotion for me on this- no one gives a **** (poop) about me but I'm to care about them-
I understand some of my personal triggers with it... but maybe not all.
I did talk with my t on this, and I am realizing now- I am not sure if she fully grasped the rage in me on this. But May be she did. At any rate, funny thing- I was telling her about how boundaries are important, and why the person she was wanting me to give more to, I am reluctant to try more than I have.
boundaries and at some point saying no.
It's hard. I forgot, it's not easy. And while I'm not a 100% people pleaser- I'm a helper- so It's not in my nature some times, so I've had to learn it and still am.
No, I didn't give the person anything as my t suggested. Instead I donated to a few charities and helped out with kids of a friend (all them qualify in my book of needing extra love even from an estranged person like me ). The charity and helping out with the kids, I have little issues with, I could still find some thing to complain about those situations as "what did I get out of it" or "what am I contributing to" -- and further down a deep black hole but why? While what "I got out of it" was nothing material, it was something personal in my heart... I don't feel the need to pick that apart even though I could.
On a grander scale of the topic- I am split to I don't matter in the great cosmos- but I matter in my universe, so to speak. Even that's hard to 100% believe for me, but I try and KNOW I've believed this at some points in my life... just harder when the days are so darkened.
---
If anything, I want to share this, in hopes this assist-- even if one person....
helped me out a little today-- because overall I still am struggling with feeling like nothing.. but I read this, and just a tiny bit ... it helped align me a little
there will always be givers, takers and reading this little blurb today-- matchers.((I like that idea of a matcher
of paying it forward)).
The Surprising Psychology of Givers and Takers | Lemonade Blog
We can only do what we do.
And hopefully it's what feels just/"right" for ourselves.
I've spent a lot of time beating myself up for giving in the past- for various reasons, it's all helped me grow..
each unique to the situation and players involved.. and I've been told also by some I've given too much (ha even this current t has said this)... or harsher tones of insults to my intelligence..
while I am not the smartest person, however by being a giver, it doesn't mean I am dumb, or that anyone is.
Over time I've had to learn no and I still have to learn some times on this. I get criticized by some on how I do it even, and so on.
But in the end - apologizes if anyone gets offended- but **** (f)them that criticize and are tainting growth. Yes, my anger must stay in check-- they matter in their own ways, and for me- I'm trying to remind myself-They are challenges that are practice, a lesson, and will be a memory.
Some memories are all I have with some people, and that's hard-" to know when to leave when love is no longer served ".
In my heart, as I'm sure with many many others- I'm trying my best, I've been trying to learn and yes I still have flaws... we all.
In the greater world- the takers can only take so much before there's nothing left to take.