Hi, I'm new to the forum and forums in general so I'm a bit nervous about putting my thoughts and feelings out there for others to read but l've been lurking a while and have faith that if anywhere, here will be the place where someone might be able to understand the awful feelings I have been experiencing!

So I've been seeing current T for a few months now. T does not disclose any information about herself whatsoever or behave like a normal human being. For example, when T comes to collect me for appointments from the waiting area, she does not greet me at all, verbally or non-verbally. She simply opens the door from the corridor and shows her face which is my cue to get out of my chair and follow. When we get to the therapy room, she sits down and remains silent waiting for me to begin.

I'm not using the above as an excuse but it has definitely acted as a catalyst for me to Google T and as a result, I am extremely ashamed to admit, I have been struggling with feeling jealous of T , her family and her lifestyle. To break it down and go into specifics:

T - because of her accolade of academic qualifications and achievements in her career, she has a happy marriage and loving family

T's family - because they get more from her than I do, her children are extremely good looking and successful,

And finally T's lifestyle - she appears to have a very comfortable standard of living and travels a lot.

Basically, her life seems perfect.

First off, I want to point out that I don't feel bad about having obtained this information about T which she wouldn't have voluntarily given. IMO it is up to her to be aware of what info she has out there about herself online. However, what I DO feel bad about is feeling jealous of her happiness and success. I am also confused and frustrated as to WHY I feel jealous when most (if not all) of the things I'm jealous of are not things I thought I wanted or needed in my life. Finally, I hate the fact that I'm now using this as a way of torturing myself, comparing my life with T's and that of her family ie. "I will never feel as happy and satisfied as her, I will never be as successful as her (or her children)"

Talking to T about all of this is completely out of the question as I cannot risk being terminated ( I see T through my health service and would not be able to get allocated another T. I also can't afford private healthcare).

Just wondered if anyone can relate and help me work out this mess and what is going on!

Thanks in advance!

MT