I'm just so confused on this whole thing. I thought I had read enough to kind of understand things...but now I think I've read TOO MUCH and I'm just confused.

People talk about Bipolar like they have "episodes" that last weeks, months, even years.

My moods change DRASTICALLY...within the minute, hour, day, week. Never the same for more than a week. And my "normal" state is always constantly somewhat depressed. I'm never happy, just numb.

But then those things I did all happened right after I started the anti-depressants. So that makes it sound like a manic reaction. But I wasn't manic. I wasn't hyper or moving faster or sleeping less, I have never had racing thoughts or increased self esteem or ANY of that...the ONLY thing was the impulsiveness.

And maybe the impulsiveness really isn't impulsiveness?? Maybe when I get extremely depressed, I'm just trying to fill that "void" with something....be it food, clothes, shopping, or in the worst cases..men. Maybe it's got nothing to do with borderline OR bipolar, I'm just doing bad things and I KNOW I'm doing bad things and it's got nothing to do with impulsiveness.

I just don't know. I wish I could just find a doc who could explain this all to me but it takes me months just to get a damn appointment and then it is just so slow. I'm impatient. I want to know what's wrong with me!!! If there even is anything wrong.

I'm just so frustrated.