Hi,

I am new here and am struggling with knowing how to best support my 28-year-old son, who is married to a young woman with severe mental health issues. He has known her since elementary school and has always loved her, but she has a host of problems, with diagnoses of ptsd, depression and anxiety. Her symptoms have really flared up, and she fits the description of borderline personality disorder, from what I've read.I’ve been given these diagnoses, different diagnoses from different doctors, some doctors gave me no diagnosis at all, I also sort of hopped therapists. I’m assuming you know this medical information because they confided in you. In my experience, I am not sure of the accuracy of any of my diagnoses and had sketchy experiences with these medical professionals, honestly, their fault, not mine. The point I make it to please take that information about your DIL with a grain of salt.

My main concern is for my son at this point, who knows he is being emotionally abused by this woman but is so desperate to help her.In what ways does she emotionally abuse him? How severe is the abuse? Are you concerned for his physical safety? What are the issues that set her off? In my case it has been intimacy issues with my husband. Again, it is not all my fault. It is a problem that is both our faults, insecurities, dysfunction. His mother may have felt I emotionally abused him. My mother feels he emotionally abuses me. The truth is it is mutually dysfunctional. The results are anger, frustration, tears... not the level of abuse to have called police over. If that is your son’s case, that is a different story and should be intervened.

She hops from one therapist to the next, but doesn't seem ready to stick to a real treatment plan. I admire them both for trying to work things out, but my son is the scapegoat for some very abusive behavior, some of which I've witnessed. He gets upset but then reverts later to diminishing/denying the extent of the abuse.Meanwhile, this is affecting his relationship with his brother, his friends and me, and I fear he is going to lose himself and become more isolated if this persists.That is a red flag and a real concern. I always encouraged my husband to nurture his relationships with family and friends. Someone controlling and isolating can be dangerous.

Long story short, I am trying to be supportive but finding it very hard to say the right things without becoming emotional or speaking badly about her, which just pushes him away.Smart mama. Good plan. Keep reaching out gently and letting him know you all are there for him.

Any thoughts here on how I can remain in his life and what to specifically say to voice my concerns but not lose my access to him? They live out of state and when we are in the same locale, he spends most of the time with her and her family, probably out of fear of making her mad.You are probably correct about that. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Having the health conditions you mentioned do not necessarily make a person controlling, isolating, and abusive. You may be dealing with someone who truly is being abusive and controlling. Aside from my own personal issues I discussed, I just became estranged from my beloved son due to a marriage where my husband and I were IMHO intentionally alienated by this controlling, manipulative young woman. Hugs to you!

Thank you.