What I did was I got chronically depressed from the bad way I was treated. I thought I didn’t take it out on my children at all, was a great mother in spite of my personal problems. But it turns out they resent me for my depression. They did see it. Even though I tried to hide it best I could. Now they are messed up and blame me.

I did apologize. I’m sorry I didn’t give them a safer environment with real love between parents. I merely mimicked what I grew up in.

I honestly thought I’d get empathy and protection from my boys. Instead I got resentment. It’s a harsh reality and a painful punishment that will follow me forever.

But, I have a good attitude. I am not dying from this. I must go on. I must put on the appearance of calm and portray the mother they want to see, fake as it is. I have much to offer the world. I can help others. I can be kind to myself.

Maybe in time their anger will soften. They will remember the multitude of good times and me as a pretty darn great mom. I gave my all for those kids. I couldn’t have loved anyone more. I have been completely devoted, loving, kind to them. I never raised my voice to them. I never even had to punish any of them for anything. If they messed up, I explained what they did and asked them to not do it again, and they didn’t. No kid had a better mother IMHO.

But I made the fatal mistake of allowing myself seering anger and disappoint in my other close relationships; mostly their father. I was kidding myself to think our dysfunction didn’t affect the kids. It totally did. I feel horribly guilty. I feel I was never meant to have the marriage and therefore was never equipped to even have the kids. I love the kids more than anything in the world. They’ve been great kids, they are great young men. So, wasn’t the ‘mistake’ I made to enter into a marriage I was not equipped to survive something that produced three wonderful humans?

Sorry for my rant. I’ve seen your concern about your insecurity on another thread. I’ll post to you on there. Hugs.