Hey guys,

I haven't posted in a while only because my sorry butt ended back in the hospital after my last hospitalization was just last year - UGH! This time when I went in there, I met someone - someone who helped through this last hospitalization, especially since this time I cried every day I was there.

Anyway, I always said to myself I wouldn't date anyone from the hospital, only because I don't think I'm strong or competent to handle their issues in addition to my own, but this guy, this guy is unlike anyone I ever met in my whole life - especially when he said he saw me it was love at first sight and I was without everything in the hospital - no conditioner, shampoo, lotion or even soap - I looked horrible, and he is so handsome!

Besides all the superficial stuff, we connect on so many levels. It's interesting because I was running away from relationships involving mental health issues, but my crazy knows his crazy EXTREMELY well if that makes any sense, and the past few months have been so wonderful because we both fell for each other really hard and intensely.

However, one major red flag that I tried to ignore was his drug problem. As much as it would be easy to say, "I'm gonna walk away and not deal with this," I fell headfirst into loving him. His habits aren't daily habits, but he is being monitored and failed a few drug tests. He doesn't use around me - and we are completely sober together, and he is so wonderful that way, but he weakens when he goes back to his group home where everyone uses. I don't want to be with a drug user, specifically because I have been struggling with my own sobriety with alcohol, and the fact that he is holding onto me so tightly, he went into rehab, for himself and for us.

He is doing the absolute right thing, and I am SO proud of him for going away to fix himself, but I MISS HIM so much - like so much, every day is so, so hard for me. He sometimes calls me once a day if they let him use the phone, and yesterday when he didn't call, I basically laid in bed and let the whole day go without a shower, eating, nothing. My own mental health is at risk, and I don't want to fall, but every day is SO DAMN hard.

The good news is today I got up and showered and ate breakfast - the bad news is he still didn't call. Sigh. I just wish I could fast forward time; this longing hurts a lot.

Thanks for reading.