Yeah I allowed it. Yeah I saw the red flags and I ignored them. I’m not exactly sure why I’m writing this other than to hear someone else’s understanding of my life than the people around me who keep saying I should have said something. If you make it through this very lengthy recap, you’re a saint. It’s hellish.

I met this girl through a mutual friend in May 2018. She’s a singer, I do branding/marketing and a bunch of other stuff but I didn’t really have much of a direction with my life. I was in school and had a full-time job. She was also in a FT job and hosting her first event. Everything went really fast and we never separated from the day we met. I was in a fresh relationship so I figured I could take the risk and get into it with her instead. I thought we could build together. For the sake of reference, let’s call her G. I’m Female/22, she’s 23 at this point.

After I moved in with her, she left her job a couple days later. She was experiencing sexual harassment for a few months and management wasn’t dealing with it. She has a history of sexual violence so it was very triggering for her. I was understanding about the situation and I said I could manage things for a while. The honeymoon phase was over a couple weeks later ... I got no support in going to work. Fake apologies, her saying she isn’t a morning person, yadda ya. I cried sometimes because I was so stressed. I also stopped school. Eventually I lost my job as well.

G met this guy who said he would become her manager. He made no ridiculous promises and seemed pretty honest so we went along with it. My skills were the main driving force behind her career - photoshoots, social media management, creative direction, graphic design, etc. I didn’t realise it at the time but the manager was also taking advantage of me by booking jobs and giving me very small cuts of the pay - claiming everything was a favour and they were unpaid anyways. I’m a team player so I did what I could to support the whole thing. Eventually, he turned out to be crap and we cut him off. For the sake of transparency in her career for the future and based on the fact that I was already doing all the work plus I had worked in media, I decided to become her acting manager.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t yet as confident in myself and I wasn’t making as much money but the burden remained on me because she still had no job and refused the idea of going back to a 9-5. We had moved into an expensive central apartment and we couldn’t afford the rent. Within 4 months we had to move. I cut a deal with my family so we could have the studio - same dwelling but unattached. It was small but we made it livable. I worked harder and got more confidence, I started to make more money. She still wasn’t into the idea of getting a job. By this time (9-12 months later) I had already invested so much that I kept saying to myself if I got her to a stable enough point in her career I could relax. Things were working out for her but she still wasn’t making any money, she broke even or put me in the red with her gigs, which were not that frequent. G was able to record a six track EP (short album) that was released 2 months later, in August 2019. She was on cloud nine - I was panicked and stressed everyday with all the background work plus client work plus ensuring I gave her enough attention and trying to be human.

I need to clarify that over this time, her behaviour progressively got worse. She was verbally aggressive at first, then it escalated to verbal abuse - accusing me of not loving her enough to do certain things, cursing about how much she hated me crying, calling me weak, getting in my face, breaking things, throwing things at me, stopping me from leaving the room, etc. She would always somehow turn the blame around on me for her behaviour and I always took it. The times when I tried to call her out on the BS didn’t go well for me. I don’t like confrontation so I tend to dissociate when people shout at me or get aggressive and we were fighting so often I kept losing chunks of time. I work from home so I had to blank out to get work done if things were tense. I had to make money because if we were broke or had no food she would complain. However when we did have money all she wanted to do was spend. I couldn’t buy anything for myself because she wanted one too. She didn’t care to help me budget even though she did accounting - only cared about spending exorbitant amounts at the supermarket for a two person household. She would get petulant when I said no to unnecessary stuff, saying she couldn’t wait to be independent and have her own money.

In August, things were really tense. I had spent a lot of time and money in launching her EP, she got a new dog I didn’t want and I still had to work. I remember the day vividly - she was arguing about something that didn’t matter and getting in my face. I fought back. We tussled. She kicked me in the ribs - I was winded. I cried. Kept defending myself against her despite the pain. Eventually when things stopped she realized how much pain I was in and started apologizing. It didn’t matter. I was in pain for weeks - every night she wanted to cuddle and pretended to feel bad when I said no, I’m in pain. I told my mom a vague version of what happened. I went to the doctor because the pain wouldn’t stop. Doc said I had a fractured 8th rib. I couldn’t stop having flashbacks. The fights continued. I found texts of her cheating with some girl because she broke my phone and I had to use hers. It never stopped.

Fast forward to November - we were invited to a festival in Europe, paid trip. It was great. My first time going to Europe so I was really excited but I was also super stressed with all the preparations and extra work - trying to make enough money for the stay because the stipend wasn’t enough. They funded the first week but I had family in London so I said we could stay with them for a while. It was supposed to be my vacation but she guilted me into booking a later return date for her as well.

We argued for the entire trip. My aunt kicked us out after 2 days because she didn’t like her attitude. We were lucky to get a place to stay with a sister of a friend. My bank account was drained by the time she left because she wanted clothes and shoes and perfume and sightseeing trips and fancy dinner. We had agreed that we would cook before we got to Europe to save money but she just wanted to eat out everyday. I was broken. I had made a lot of money - a few thousand £- and it was all gone. I hadn’t gotten much for myself yet and I still had another 2 weeks before going home. I was lucky to get work from a client but it wasn’t enough to see me through. I had to ask my mom for help and she isn’t well-off. It wasn’t her first time putting herself in debt to help us. This was my last straw.

I broke up with her and told her to be gone when I got there, I didn’t care if she had a place to stay. She couldn’t find a place because it was December and she also had no money or job. I asked her to be gone at least for a night so I could breathe. She didn’t come back until a week later except for clothes. I kept swinging between angry and sad and regretful for the whole month. She kept saying she loved me and she knew I was hurt. I softened a bit and told her to come home and then she started saying things just to hurt me so I got angry again and told her to come get her stuff and leave, even though I had agreed to let them stay until end of December. I started talking to people and found out she was pretty toxic and had lied about what really happened with her exes. I tried to confront her to get some closure but it just ended with me feeling stupid for trying. Now she’s blocked me on everything and is staying with her ‘best friend’.

I feel used and spit out. Not sure where I begin or end. Very hollow and out of sorts. I’m trying to put my life back together but I keep blaming myself for not following my gut and overextending myself to make her happy. I had thoughts of kicking her out months before but I didn’t know what would happen to her because her family kicked her out 6/7 years prior for being queer. I felt trapped and I kept digging myself deeper. I also feel a lot of rage because I’ve lost a lot of time and money. This is my third abusive relationship. The second one sent me to a mental hospital. I told her about it and she always said how much she hated that person for what they did but now I wonder if she just hated the fact that I was damaged and she knew eventually I would break things off if I got too confident - which she also worked hard to stop. The internet says the best revenge is to be happy ... but how do I get to happy when all I want is for her to suffer and hurt like I am?

TL;DR - I was in a manipulative, emotionally and physically abusive relationship with a girl for a year and a half. Now I’ve kicked her out and I hate her for using me for so long and I don’t know how to pick up the pieces because I’ve been so broken before.