I am so sorry you have been dealing with such a painful situation, both emotionally and physically. I read your post twice. I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for 15 years. I could write a novel about your post, but I won't. The bottom line is that she is a violent, manipulative, financially irresponsible, abusive woman. If you haven't already, you need to go to no-contact with her. In my experience, people like her, if they ever get better, it takes years and years of work and therapy. You must put her in the past, where she belongs, and concentrate on your future. Today.

Her assaulting you and serially abusing you is NOT YOUR FAULT. You did nothing to deserve this. There is nothing wrong or defective about you. She is a predator. But to move forward you have to stop replaying this awful past. I know it is hard. When you find yourself re-living something painful or confusing, try to identify what is happening with you in that moment and re-direct--as though you were a toddler. Except, at this moment in time, the toddler is you. Recruit a little of what is known as DBT and distract yourself. Watch a show or a movie or go to the beach (you have some nice ones where you live) or exercise or do yoga or meditate or ride a bike or run. Or draw or paint or sing or play an instrument. Do something that takes your energy and attention and directs it to a more positive, helpful place. This is what I do and it usually works.

Sending you positive, healing vibes. Strength and self-compassion. Her shi*** behavior is not on you. Don't allow her to gaslight you. Just keep moving forward. You are young. There is lots of time. You will get through this. But you need to take some action to help yourself.

Had one of my best vacations ever at Negril and Ocho Rios. Such lovely people. And yummy lobster.