How do I get my 81 y/o mom (with short-term memory loss and a cantankerous side) to stop saying I'm "hounding" her when I constantly have to correct mental lapses? She has chronic anxiety and semi-serious panic attacks, which she has only recently acknowledged. This gets exacerbated by dealing with anything she sees as "complicated," namely computer tasks that she must do to manage finances.

Living several hundred miles away, with limited time to visit (4+ times a year), I do my best but she can't stay focused and keeps interrupting or changing the subject, so I have to raise my voice and repeat things insistently. In person it's easier than on the phone or w/remote screen-sharing, but not always by much. There are yelling matches where I just can't make logic sink in.

My sister lives several states away and doesn't deal with these technical tasks,. She still often sides with our mom when told I'm the one causing difficulties (see first paragraph). Mom has some sort of dementia but is lucid with past knowledge and trivia. She can't retain basic info, like when to use a specific menu or mouse button, no matter how many times I repeat it, and doesn't want to write her own instructions (keeps losing pieces of paper when she tries). Outsiders casually talking to her may not detect these extreme inabilities.

She also has a large rural property she can't manage without constantly hiring yard help, which adds to her anxiety. But she resists leaving for something smaller and I can't blame her for putting off a rest home. Her physical health is getting frailer but she can still drive, walk modest distances, cook, etc.

My sister is the type who's always "too busy" to do various things, so I'm stuck in a loop where I'm the fall guy and mom's true mental state isn't being taken seriously enough. I get into situations where it's like talking to a wall with both mom and sister. My sister is the type who wants everything to be "fine" so her time isn't too pressured. I call it denial and have trouble dealing with anyone who won't get to the point.

The subtleties of mom's personality (often irrational) are hard to describe here, so thanks for any general advice.

This isn't a situation where an outside entity can step in (yet) without making her anxiety worse.