Yes, well, this is unbelievably triggering for me, but it is a very important series of posts, so I feel I must at least say something. I certainly had childhood-onset bp 1, but was not definitively diagnosed until a massive manic spell July, 2005, which is the last time I worked in the clinic. Zyprexa brought me out of that first bad mania and I continued sorta/kinda trying to work in my other capacity helping develop new devices for a small public medical device company. That work required enormous international travel by me, as I was basically a main face of the organization, which was unwise and exacerbated my illness. I self-medicated during this period, because the mania in'05 was followed by a poorly managed crushing depression that lasted over a year and nearly killed me.

Way too long of a story, but thus began a whole series of hospitalizations over the ensuing roughly 15 years. All told, I have been in-hospital for around 5 1/2 years of that 15--all of this, inpatient. It is not a competition and I am not boasting, but it is part of my story and also part of why both my insurers quickly certified me 100% disabled due to severe/persistent bp 1. It's kind of a no-brainer.

I have not worked in any capacity since this all began. My illness has had a fairly unstable course for the most part and as I have aged, it has moved from depression-dominant to mania and especially lately, psychosis-dominant. I hear voices regularly now, fear that people are going to rappel into my apt. from helicopters. Being followed. People searching my place when I am out. On and on.

So, that's about it. I do the best I can. It has been quite difficult, esp. some of the hospital time. But I manage. And I am still here. I have not given up. And I won't. As my wise father has always said, "Nobody ever said life was fair."

Indeed. Indeed.