@gymgirl you are addicted to this relationship. It is fulfilling you emotionally for the WRONG reasons.

Have you sat down and written out the crazy cycle of this addictive relationship?


Write down what is being fulfilled for you in your addictive relationship:


Then, write down the common, obsessive thoughts you have when you think about this addictive relationship and this man:

This is where you need to be BRUTALLY HONEST with yourself. No more lying to yourself. No one will see these lists except for you. You need to write this out so that you can visually process what you already are thinking but haven't fully processed.

Addictive relationships are fantasies. We create these fantasies so that we can avoid feeling the pain of our reality - whatever that reality looks like in our lives.
I think you are also addicted to the traumatic bond you have with this man. Traumatic bond - ongoing cycle of abuse (abuser's reinforcement of the reward and punishment cycle on the victim creates an emotional attachment that is unbreakable).

You already know that you need to abstain from ALL contact (offline and online) but you can't...because of the emotional disregulation is causes you when you do cut off contact. Emotional disregulation can be anxiety attacks, crying, feeling alone, disassociating, etc. Basically, it's unpleasant because you have been conditioned to feel emotionally attached to this man and separating from him, feels impossible because of the pattern between you and him. You have to break it. No one can except for you.

What you need to think about doing is setting up some emotional counter-intuitive "bottom line" behaviors for yourself to follow.


The focus has been on him for the past year and what is wrong with him and what he needs to change. That's called, bargaining. Victims of abuse do it. So, you need to stop bargaining with yourself and set better boundaries.

Shift your focus to what you've been doing wrong for the past year and the consequences, and follow the bottom-line behaviors as a new focus for yourself. If you can shift your focus away from your addiction and back on to yourself, and the life you have with your son, as a single mother, and focus on the responsibilities and rewards that come with that identity instead of the identity of being an alcoholic's girlfriend, you will eventually be able to break your addiction cycle to him. But you have to stop making excuses as to why you go back to him. You know why you do. We know why. So, the first step is doing those exercises and probably ask a friend to help you whom you trust, or find a therapist at a walk-in clinic for free if you can't afford one to help you. You can even go to addiction support groups and talk about your addiction to this alcoholic -- like, go to an AA meeting for partners of alcoholics since you technically are one. And talk about your addiction to him and what impact it's had on you and your son's life, and what you know you have to do to break free from him.