Hey, whatever, this must have been difficult to share, but I appreciate your doing so. I have one really bad prior attempt (multiple overall) the surviving results of which are so miraculous, that I still cannot believe I am alive today. Someone was watching over me that day--no doubt. So, I really, really relate to you and your pain.

Have you thought about maybe scheduling something(s) around the time of the date? Something distracting, possibly even fun? If you still like music, what about going out to listen to some?

I find as I get older that trying, at least, to be proactive about things can help mitigate my pain and suffering somewhat. Example. No sleep last night, lotta voices frightening me. Super, super tired this morning around the time I usually work out. Wanted to just do nothing. But recognized that, in the past, taking some form of action has helped me get through these hard times.

So, I picked my butt up, got changed, and went for a 2-hour bike ride in the bold. got back and felt so much better. I rode way, way slower than I normally do. Did not judge myself on that. Thought it was pretty damn good that I was out there at all.

Like you, I have few things that I enjoy anymore. I try to exploit that when I can. Maybe you could do something similar.

Sending you safe hugs and support. You can get through this. But maybe making some kind of plan could potentially help. All the best--