Finally slept for a bit today after working out, against my own will. Woke up sobbing about a dream I had about my mother, who died of lung cancer in 2004!! What?! To my knowledge, I have seriously cried exactly 3 times since 2012--maybe partly due to lithium, not sure. And I have always been a very sensitive man, according to those who have known me best. I would concur. I believe this quality helped make me a more effective surgeon/caregiver. Patients pick up on these things.

So, weird. Weird to dream about mom. Weird to have such a reaction. I have always loved my mother and I always will. She was extremely responsible and generous and competent as a mother when it came to all the required duties and obligations. First-class. That said, she was not a warm woman where I was concerned. I would not characterize her as having been largely happy always to have been in my company. As I have told my shrinks many times, I believe mom loved me just fine. But I never thought she liked me very much. She liked my much older brother a whole darn lot. They were like peas in a pod. So similar. Always giggling together. in some corner And yet, always so serious with me. Not a lot of fun for me, as my dad was never home and it was mostly just she and I. I would describe it as a fairly emotionally barren environment.

Anyhow, just interesting that this all somehow bubbled up today. Certainly in a vulnerable position today, mentally, so maybe that was it. Like I said, I will always love her. But I just don't believe she ever managed to like her Number Two son all that much.