So today I have terminated with my T after a couple of difficult months. Since October I had been feeling like he had lost all empathy and compassion and was essentially fed up of me after some pretty cold sessions where there was no acknowledgement that I was upset or distressed and it felt like he no longer cared.
I was planning on bringing this up with him in my session yesterday which would have been a huge step for me as I avoid all confrontation but as soon as I sat down he started to tell me off for emailing him feedback after the last session (I have always been allowed to send one email between sessions) and that from now on no email contact would be allowed. There was no explanation just a very firm do not email me again unless it’s related to scheduling.
This automatically caused me to shut down but he continued to essentially say that I was choosing to allow myself to feel suicidal and that I was resistant to therapy because I have told him I am not ready to disclose my history of CSA to anyone close to me. He has been pressuring me to do this for a while and won’t accept I am not ready for that step.
From there it just went from bad to worse and he ended up raising his voice at me and making it very obvious he wasn’t prepared to show any empathy or compassion.
So this morning I have sent an email terminating therapy with him. Although in my head I know it’s the right thing and best decision for my wellbeing as the sessions were actually making me feel worse, but in my heart it’s hurting so much. All I want is for him to care about me and I’ve spend the afternoon hysterically crying. I know I need to move on and I want to, I just don’t know how to stop hurting.