I feel like I will cycle through the various stages of grief forever. Sad, devastated, hurt, angry, bargaining, horribly confused, betrayed. The list seems endless. Even if at some point she contacts me (which I figure she eventually will), how can I ever trust her again?
One part of her estrangement I have come to peace with is that I've stopped searching for reasons to blame myself. For the first 9 months I tore myself up with thinking I had done something horribly wrong. Had absolutely no idea of what, since I loved her with all my heart and soul. (I ruminated over that! "Is it possibly to love a child too much? Did I indulge her?"). I felt so, so ashamed to have been rejected by my own child.
No more. I know that her childhood was better than good. I'm at a point now where I'm ashamed of her. I mean, she's 34 years old...a little old to lack the foresight many 34 year old people would have. The entire extended family is upset with her. She's doing really well with grad school; one night I told my husband that, you know, we paved the road she's walking on. He agreed. Apparently, she cannot see that, though.
Anyway, you are wisely correct...we might never understand. There is some peace in accepting that.