Hello sinking,
I read your new letter with the new clarified points that you made, let's say that you reached good level of describing who you are, and what do you feel.
Who reads your first letter and this last one, surely he's going to notice changes, ( from genderless to demigirl)
Well, the confusion still exists, but not like before,
It was a matter of reordering thrown cards and key words around you, gathering them to solve the puzzle ( the issue, gender dysphoria).
I want to say I'm glad that my assumptions were pretty touching the point. ( you lean to feel yourself a woman more than a man)
I haven't brought it from anywhere, I just extracted it from your declarations.
Before I touch an other keys from your letter I want to add that:
- the clarified points ( sexual desire, sexual arousal) and their meaning for you were very helpful and important to figure out the situation.
Starting by the first key, it was about percentage you introduced regarding the feminine and male side in your sex identify. (65 to 70%) feel like woman. Here there's no key, the key is in the 30% percent that HATES your female identity.
That wants the male gender, feels like "alien", " dummy".
What caused that 30% remaining!! The identity of the alien inside you, as we know aliens are extraterrestrial beings, a dummy is a thing, is "it" it is not a he nor she.
Somehow you run away from your female gender to an other shelter, why we do run away?? Usually When we want to stop a pain.
You are a dummy! an alien!! Deep inside you without u notice or u know why, you kinda punishing yourself, punishing your female gender, denying it from existing!, it is like you tell yourself u don't deserve to be a woman, or you are tired to be a woman,....I'm not sure.
So the issue and its solution may be both centralized in the 30% remained.
Second key: when u wanted a boyfriend, you became more feminine, but u didn't act spontaneously, u were forced to play the role!
U BECAME more FEMININE, but your instincts and female skills have been dissipated! It is like a powerful hand has covered them! Or confiscated them!
when u liked a girl you limited yourself to "receive".
Here I don't know if you were talking about lesbian side in you, or the male gender in you with other female,
Or you touched a submissive side in your sexual fantasies.
The third key: why you refuse doing your analysis blood to see the hormones levels? Knowing that this test is just an ordinary procedure and even much easier than attending therapy session, they both work out for your benefit. Obviously here there's an Oedipus complex and sensitivity towards this point.
-The human body is a mixture and interplay between two systems, the psychological system, and the biological one (physical). And understanding the relation between them, and their roles certainly is important to deal with any physical and mental issue.
I think that there's a psychological element besides CSA in your childhood, effected negatively on your sexual function, and since you still not willing to do your blood test for hormones level, so the biological element isn't revealed,
Talking about specialists in therapy, it will be very helpful to you to have one, but you have to choose what kind of therapist you may have.
I suggest to see sexologist, to make sure if there is a biological or organic problem that caused your gender dysphoria and effected on your sexual desire, (ldescribing
And to see psychosexual therapist, and psychologist,
They are professionals, and they have there methods and techniques that could reveal the accumulated and stocked experiences deep inside you, and of course, bring with you your letters, they are very interesting and pretty much accurate and describing your issue.
Lets say that you don't suffer from gender dysphoria anymore, and the percentage that you gave is very accurate with your situation.
Obviously you are divided into two genders, oftentimes 70% woman, and sometimes 30% alien, or dummy. (It).
The question is: since you know who you are, what do you want to be? Which gender do you want to belong?.