I just want you to know that I can empathize with the deep grief you are experiencing. It does get better but it definitely takes time. I found my way through in talking to a new therapist and letting myself just grieve the loss like you would the loss of someone to death - one day at a time. To me it felt like a death and oh the crying you do! It’s worse when you did nothing and could not have done anything different which definitely sounds like your case. Let yourself grieve but also don’t be afraid to seek someone out to help you through the transition.