Hello Vanaheimr,
Thank you for still talking with me and pointing out such interesting questions and points.
And thank you for guiding me and helping me finding my own answers. You’re so good at it! Are you a therapist?

- First key: Running from my female gender?
Im not sure what caused it. It may be jealousy for my younger brother getting attention, it may be because from very young age i found it easier to identify with the main character in cartoons or movies and it usually was a boy… and the CSA undoubtedly made me hate my feminine body, especially my breasts, but i hated them even before because i never wanted to grow up to start with. Kisses, breasts, period, earrings/make up/dresses, sex… they were all signs of growing up and i hated it. I was convinced that grownups come to lose something when leaving their childhood, become kind of superficial, so i never wanted to leave mine. And i think theres an aestetic part of this too. I loved that kind of genderless body, flat everywhere… never really caring about how to dress or how i’ll be seen. I could just be.
Then, the other mile stones that usually kids long for when they want to grow up, were unwanted burdens to me.

I was scared of my first kiss, not longing for it… and when it happened, the first real one, i tried to cancel it from my memory and the “second first” more “mature” one, when i was 18 (so late!) was horrible and disgusting to me. I didnt even love that boy, i just wanted to do it and be done with it. Next kisses werent any better. I have always hated kissing.

I was a late bloomer in my body too. Often i think its because my mind wasnt ready and my body followed it. I loved having a flat chest. When i started to notice something was growing under my skin, i wanted to cut it off… when i realized i couldnt, i postponed using a bra for as long as i could so that i could tell myself i still didnt need it… while maybe i did. Also my breasts started to grow later than average age… i was so ashamed of it and didnt want to wear clothes that would make it notice, i actually did the opposite, trying to hide it with large clothes. I still do this to this day.

My first period arrived late too. I never wanted it to come, but at a certain age (15,5) i started wondering if there was anything wrong with my body if i could ever had kids and when i started to worry about it, it came. I was both relieved and hated it.

Earrings and jewelry… since i could choose, i chose not to wear any. I couldnt stand the idea of deforming my body for appearance, in order to appear better, more feminine, more “beautiful”… i still dont have my ears pierced and i doubt i ever will. Jewelry… only for special occasions and very simple ones… otherwise i dont wear anything.
Make up and dresses? Same… only for very special occasions and more often than not, not even in those occasions. I have bought a couple of high heel shoes but barely worn them. I cant even walk with those things on my feet!!!

And sex… never really wanted it… it was something that i knew i had to do, but just to be able to tell myself i have done it, i know what it is and i wont die virgin. I was very scared of it, so i chose the most patien guy for my first time that arrived after my 30’s. sometimes i must admit it was good but most of the times i forced myself to do it and i was constantly looking for excuses not to do it and ways to make it last as less as possible. As i said, i highlt prefer masturbation to sex. I dont think i’ll ever have sex again. Sometimes im intrigued by lesbian sex, but acting on it… no!!!

- You said: (running from gender) to stop pain…. Not sure what kind of pain… You said to punish yourself, deny your female gender exists… that i dont deserve to be a woman???
This doesnt resonate with me at all. being a woman is not something i would deserve, its something i was imposed to. If i were free to choose, i would stay in a kid’s body forever. Of all the things that happen when you grow up, i hate them all. physically, mentally, everything. Being kids is so much easier. Well, maybe not really… i suffered a lot as a kid, but ideally… yes id like to stay a kid forever. Elementary school age… in summer with no school… maybe in an easier family… maybe even younger than elemantary school age. Or maybe im idealizing it too much now...

- Second key: sex.
It is something i dont feel inside. It didnt come out easily playing the female role and im sure it would be harder playing the male role… i just dont think i have any female or male instinct about sex. As for “receiving” with girls i meant i enjoyed giving more meaning to casual kind and friendly touches on arms, shoulders, back and head from girls i kind of liked or idealized. Its not about gender or sex. Its about enjoying the touch of a person (not caring about the gender) i idealized. I dont think im straight or lesbian, i think im asexual. (and aromantic).

- Third key: tests
as i said i think it would be too shameful for me to ask such blood analysis. I dont want anyone to know i have doubts or issues or curiosity about gender stuff. This is a my thing only. Not even the doctor i want to know. And here (italy), you cant have tests without medical prescription, so i should have to ask my doc and i wont do that. I dont even think its necessary. Yes, id be a little curious, but necessary? Not at all. As i said im not struggling much because of all of this i accept the cards i was given and try to play them the best possible way. Im just curious and feel like defining myself. Just for me, not for anyone else.

- What do you want to be?
Nice question! But i have nothing to decide, just accept what i feel when i feel it. Knowing theres a part of me that doesnt like and wouldnt want to be a woman… this is quite well done with what im doing now… not romantically/sexually interested in anybody and wearing sporty clothes and just try to be me without caring much of how im seen from others or what id like others to see of me.